I dont know where to begin....This has been a very hard year for me. I have lots of feelings an emotions running through me right now and dont know when my breaking point is going to smack me in the face. I feel so lonely, used, taken for granted and unloved. I feel like no matter what I do it is never enough. I will never be what everyone wants me to be. I feel so distant from my husband, I feel like my mom loves Corah more then me, I feel like I have no friends or anyone to really talk to. I talk to some people on line but thats not the same has having someone right here with me to speak to face to face. I have 3 friends that are all busy with there own lives and children. No one is ever available when i need someone. Like right now as I sit here typing this. Im sitting at home all alone. Steve is at work, Corah is with my mom ( they went out to eat and I wasnt invited) My best friend is at work, another friend seems to not want to talk to me and the last one is at home spending time with her family. I sit here alone....listening to music....typing my feelings to no one cause no one really reads my blog.
I just want someone to talk to me, to hold me, to tell me everything is going to be ok. I feel like I am falling in a hole that Im never going to get out of. No one has any respect for me. Im always talked to like I just a peice of shit to people. I feel like to everyone Im just someone to bitch to, to bitch at, to clean the house....Ect.
My inlaws are joking type people. They joke around and pick on eachother so in turn I have had to make myself like a stone so that things dont hurt me but I feel the stone facade cracking and crumbling. Steve and I used to love to be around eachother. It didnt matter what we were doing just as long as we were with eachother. We used to lay in bed and talk for hours on end. That has all came to an end over the years. The only time were close anymore is when were having sex. And thats even rare. We dont cuddle anymore, we barely talk anymore. He will talk to me about sports and stuff that I have no interest in. I listen for the most part but then he tends to get mad when I dont know something and asks how the hell I dont know it. It gets really frustrating. I try to talk to him about things and he either nods like he is listening when he really isnt or just looks at me like im an idiot. I feel so far apart from him. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. I miss laughing and talking and cuddling with him. It breaks my heart. I just feel like im just here to cook, clean, and sex.
God Im so alone....Im so depressed....I do nothing for myself. I go to work come home cook dinner, clean, take care of corah, go to bed to get up and do it all over again.
My mother is a wonderful woman but here lately she makes me feel so horrible all the time. All she cares about it taking my daughter everyother weekend and yelling about my house not being clean enough. I dont know what the hell she wants from me. I dont have ocd like her I dont feel the need to sweep and mop my floor everyday, I dont think it is important for Corah (me) to have to clean up the toys every time I turn around just for them to be pulled all right back out with in 5 minutes. She cares more about my house and spoiling my daughter then just sitting down with me and talking. Spending time together....unwanted....
alone....no one cares about me like they used to. No one takes the time to ask how im doing. No one wants to hear my issues but want me to listen to them and give them advice.
I have been through a lot this year. I lost my grandpa and my mother in law. *Man do I miss her*. Steve's health problems, Money problems, I constantly feel sick....I hope 2012 brings better things to me because I cant take much more drama....
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